strange new low.

I've lost a few pounds recently (I've gotten back to my lowest weight in over a year....), though I have probably gained the few pounds I lost back to be honest, and I feel like I have reached a new personal low mentally.

I notice when I am most depressed I lose weight, even if I feel like I have ballooned. It seems like everytime I step on the scale, I feel as if I know the numbers have jumped, but in reality, I've lost a kilogram or two. It's really weird. Recently, I had been eating badly or so I thought for myself, and I lost enough to break me through a mild plateau. I guess I tricked my body, but we'll see the next time I weigh in.

Anyway, it's a good reminder to stay on track.

So, do you ever have a problem in a relationship that you can sometimes be okay with, then sometimes be upset about? I say this, because it seems like sometimes I am so depressed that I make little mountains out of things that normally shouldn't bother me.

To be honest, one of these days I just may start taking anti-depressants if it keeps up. I've had a nervous-depressive problem since I was a kid, and I've always told myself I'd never take pills to sort myself out, that I'd want to deal with myself on my own (I don't like the idea of messing around with my hormones just to put me into a better, artifical mood). But I feel like it is becoming a problem I can't deal with anymore, and it is taking away from my relationships with people I care about. I won't start anything soon, but I'm not against it anymore, I don't think. We'll see, maybe I won't find a pill I like, who knows.

Had a small bowl of organic (or Bio(-logique) in France, it's the equivalent) honey cereal with Bio lait écrémé (organic non-fat milk). The roof of my mouth is so sore, the part where it connects to my nose, in the inside of my mouth. Maybe from smoking? Though I don't breath smoke out from my nose when I smoke..... not usually, at least.

I feel good otherwise, though everyone I know seems to be getting sick, especially where I work. Not a good sign. I'd love some coffee, but I feel like it is going to aggravate the roof of my mouth. Ergh. Coffee anyway.

I've been wanting to take some photos for my blog, so you can have an idea of my favorite areas around town, and perhaps some funny things I see from time to time. I think it would do me some good, and I'd like to somehow thank you guys for the support you've been giving me when I've been having days where I wished I weren't living.

Thank you guys again. À bientôt.

Bisous.

RANT.

From the 8th, September 2009, at work.

So, I'm, bored at work. I want to smoke so badly, but firstly, I can't right now, and second, I need to buy some more cigarettes because I just ran out.

Anyway, so I am furiously typing away on the little keyboard on my telephone, because I can't focus enough to read Crime & Punishment. I feel low. I am smoking too much and not eating well enough, my skin is showing signs. It's getting slightly dry, which I really can't stand. Dry at the end of summer. We'll see how I fair in Paris winter. I wonder if I'll survive.

I don't even smoke that much, maybe a few a day, a little more or less, and some days I don't smoke. Well, some rare days. Maybe it's in my head.

I gained two pounds since my sister has been visiting, I need to restrict more. I feel really worthless, unless I am restricting, then I feel like I can have some control. I don't mean to openly put myself down, but I can't ever really recall feeling like I was really worth anything. I'm not the kind of person who will start telling you about how life is so valuable and precious, when it is so easily destroyed. I think of life more as chance, I guess. It's more logical to me, but then again, life isn't really logical.

All today I was thinking of how much I am sick of myself. Food wasn't an obstacle at all. I'm even thinking of making up some small lie about having food at work to get out of eating dinner. To be honest, I'm a bit tired. I love my sister, but she can ask too many personal questions and poke around too much. My boyfriend and I have been having too many little stupid fights, mostly because we can't really be ourselves with my sister in the flat. You know what I mean, it's frustrating. My sister must be under the impression that our relationship is very fragile, which could be true, but I have a little more faith than that.

I think I should see someone. I'm very insecure, and I know it. I really try not to be, and my boyfriend tells me I have no reason to be (you see how people look at you in the street?), though to be honest, when people look at me in the street, I think of how it must be because there is something wrong with how I look. I think this is common, no?

I'd still like to see someone. Sometimes I really feel like my brain is going at a hundred miles an hour, and all I can do is focus on little easy things, like books and films. I've been having nightmares again as well, and having a hard time falling asleep.

Maybe I'll buy a book tomorrow, a photo book on cinéma I've been eyeing for months now. It'll cheer me up, if I can still find it, I think it is out of print though...

About an hour until I am free. The 45 after bell just rang. It's one thing I really like about working in this neighborhood, the bells chiming.

Back to work.

Bisous.

So...

So, last week was a bit hell. After me and my boyfriend fought, he left, then I left, because I couldn't stand staying inside the flat. I didn't eat and walked along the Seine until I came to the Pont des Arts (a cute pedestrian bridge), then chain smoked my last few cigarettes. After a while it started to rain, so I left to go home. I was cold, and my tee shirt happened to be thin and white.

Me and my boyfriend came home at about the same time, and talked a bit.

The next day (Friday), we fought again. Then we got locked out of the flat, which forced us to deal with each other.

And we're doing okay now. To be honest, I can't wait until next Monday, when I'll start work. I'll be out of the flat, and he'll start work Tuesday, so we won't be cooped up so much together.

I watched Je vais bien, ne t'en fais pas a couple nights ago, which is Don't Worry, I'm Fine in English. I liked it a lot. It's about a girl whose twin brother goes missing. She can't take it and stops eating. Then she gets admitted into a hospital, and I suppose you could take it from there. It was well done, and Mélanie Laurent did a good job with the role. She's a great actress. You should see it if you get the chance.

My sister is coming to visit Paris tomorrow, and will be staying with us for a while. We'll be busy with her for a while. She's more talkative than I am, and generally more cheery. She's a vegetarian, so that's easy.

I've been good lately, but I don't want to be too optimistic. The normal restricting and tiny dinners, but I can do better.

Les vacances sont finies.

à plus.

What a shit day so far.

Maybe me and my boyfriend are breaking up for the stupidest shit ever.

It's hot outside. I don't especially want to go out, but I should.

I'm not hungry at all. Not even thirsty. I feel light headed.

I didn't finish my coffee or juice.

What a waste.

a little taste of thinsporation...

Back to Paris - (God Save The Queen !)

Back from London.

Régime. Régime. Régime.

I know I must have gained, but I hope after all that it wasn't much. I still fit my small jeans, though not as well. So it can't be too much. Nothing I can't lose quickly.

The thing I like about London is, practically all the food there is disgusting. Really. Even if it looks good, it is bound to be horrible or at least not worth it at all. Seriously!

I wouldn't want to live in London, but I know if I did, it wouldn't be hard to be thin. I think I would live off of coffee and veggies because everything else is easy to avoid. My only problem would be my boyfriend watching what I eat. Comme d'habitude.

But there is take away coffee in London, so it is a little bit of a culprit. I'm a sucker for take away coffee, though I can't stand Starbucks (it's their politics, mainly...), so take away coffee in Paris is not really an option. Coffee in paper (or styrofoam) cups doesn't really happen much here besides (Starbucks), McDo espresso (GROSS), and the occasional boulangerie that serves little take away espresso. It's not the kind of city where you'd see everyone walking with their coffees in the street or in the metro. Coffee here is really about small portions everywhere, hence the popularity of the espresso. And mainly because the lattes here really taste disgusting, and soy milk isn't an option unless you make your lattes at home. Maybe you can get soy milk at Starbucks, but then again, I wouldn't know. Never been inside a french Starbucks, and I don't plan to!

But God, I really feel like a balloon. Luckily, I went to the organic boulevard Raspail market this morning, so I have fresh fruits and veggies to pull me through.

Ergh.... My boyfriend just caught me blogging about my ED, and I had to lie through my teeth. I don't like it, but it has nothing to do with him, and I don't get mad when he does personal stuff on his computer. Anyway, it should be fine, he doesn't seem too bothered. And I really love him, anyway. So he shouldn't be mad.

Scale tomorrow!! Totally not excited about it. It won't be good, but I can try to make it as pleasant as possible.

To thinner days.

Bisous.

When things don't go the way you want them to...

I'm not talking about food here. I think I've been doing okay for the past few days. Had chai tea for dinner last night.

I'm talking about the kind of conversation you have with people that go really wrong, perhaps beyond repair.

I feel like a bitch, because I called someone out on lying to me for no reason. I often keep my mouth shut, and I should have this time.

I slept so badly. It took me forever to go to sleep, the sun was already up. Then I kept waking up.

I'm not hungry. The water isn't even going down well today.

To better days-