Winter Blues

It's cold here. I think minus 4ºC, or 25ºF. At least it is sunny.

I think I've been doing pretty good, cutting back, restricting pretty well, small dinners with the boyfriend. The holiday dinners were easy as well, I can't remember how many times I said "No, thanks" to extras and large servings.

Now all I have to do is wait for my weigh-in, which would make anyone nervous, I suppose.

So far, all I've had today is water, and it's 12h30 in Paris. Maybe I'll have my coffee and an apple, then have some cereal as a late lunch. No, I better not. No cereal, since I don't know what my boyfriend is planning for dinner (I work somewhat late in the evening). Better safe than sorry.

I'll aim for 54kg for now, but if I can do really well, which I think I can, I think I can....

Then 52kg. That'd be great.

I don't really have any goal date here besides "soon", which I believe hurts me. I wish I could do ABC, but I could never get anyway with it with my boyfriend around. He's the kind of guy that will wake up on a Saturday morning and tell me to get dressed quickly so we can go to the corner to buy warm croissants then later cook me dinner. It's affection, though most of the time I end up convincing him to save his money and to let me eat my special K.

Well, I hope everyone is staying on track, getting back on track, or whatever.

Good luck girls.

Bisous.

Tomorrow...

... is Christmas eve, and in France, you celebrate this day more than the day of Christmas.

You have the huge dinner and get together, open gifts, drink, eat and eat, get sick, then take it easy on the 25th. Like a real day off. I kinda like it better this way, it's more like New Year's.

I'm going to Amsterdam Christmas Day and for a little while following, and I don't want to look fat (at least to me) in the photos. That, and I fucking hate gaining weight around the holidays. Luckily I am good at taking off the weight I have gained, if I do gain. I've never liked eating outside of my comfort zone, it just doesn't feel good.

So, I'll just do my fruit & vegetable diet as long as I can without upsetting the boyfriend. Breakfast and lunch are all fruit, but a "regular" dinner isn't optional since he is home (he'll give me a hard time if he can tell I am restricting too hard, we live together).

Though I think he will be able to understand for the holidays, at least he should. He never lets me get away with skipping dinner, or having one piece of fruit or a vegetable for dinner like in the past.

So, lots of water, some coffee, tea, watered down juice (if I crave it that bad), and whole fruits and vegetables for my meals. I've always been able to drop weight doing this, it's just avoiding a gain that I am most afraid of.

I'm not really a seasons greetings kind of person, so I'll just wish everyone courage and strength.

Bisous.

New Wave.

Errgh. When I was visiting in the US last month, I gained a few pounds and haven't lost them yet. Probably due to a few reasons like dried mango slices (Who knew that they're loaded with calories? Let alone being really, really expensive in France...) and gifts of chocolate I've been receiving for a while now.

So, I'm a bit sick of it. It's not like I especially enjoy the action of eating most of the time. I realize that often when I think I am hungry, it's like some sort of craving I can't justify, like it is more than eating, yet it manifests in unquenchable hunger. When I realize this, it's easier not to eat, or to eat only what I need.

So, back to the beginning, big square one. I'm not a big Christmas person, and I'm not a big canard/foie gras person at all, so luckily it could be easier this season and I might lose those few pounds if I put some effort in and stop making excuses for myself. I've done this over and over again, and this time I want to hit a new low. It'd be the best xmas gift to myself. Anyway, enough rambling.

I hope the rest of you have been doing alright and are keeping warm!! (it's freeeeezing in Paris today)

Gros bisous, comrades, et courage.

She's having dreams.

Good morning, world....

Sometimes when I go to sleep upset, I don't escape my feelings or thoughts in dreams. Like last night.

Once, I even had a dream where my boyfriend found my blog, hehe, and let me tell you, it was not a good dream at all.

It's cold, dark, and gloomy in Paris today. Just the way I like it. Though, I plan to walk over to the Taschen bookstore and go to my bank today, and I'm really not in the mood to be rained upon. Sitting in bed now, I'm already cold.

I like rain quite a bit, but not when I am chilled to the bone and soaking wet.

I'm taking a short vacation back to the US in about a week. I've been looking forward to it so much recently, though just yesterday I was becoming a bit depressed about it. My boyfriend and I are still having hard times. I feel like deep down we're not a good match anymore. When we met, it was like no other relationship I had ever had before. So fiery, so alive, so much attraction. It was like falling in love for the first time.

We used to talk about so much together, such a great future together, but I feel like we've gotten to know each other better than to think like that anymore (we've grown more realistic, I suppose), and I feel like I am sacrificing myself a little bit at times. We don't even have sex like we used to. I mean, it's still really good when we do, but it's not everyday like it used to be. Or even every other day.

We don't have the same tastes in cinéma, he watches TV (je deteste la télévision), he doesn't care that much about the environment (I'm an environmentalist), he doesn't have that life curiosity that I admire so much in other people, that willingness to explore or try new things and understand people. He's almost like a little mouse who is trained to behave a certain way and doesn't stray outside of his box even if there is a clear way out.

And I hate the way he talks to his parents. He's so spoiled by them.

Okay, enough being angry at my boyfriend, I'm being unfair and not letting him have a word. I'm sure he could find some choice words to say about me. But he lies, and above everything else, this kills me.

I'd like to take the time to make a couple lists, one of my good personality traits, and one of my bad traits. I'll start with the bad to perhaps make myself feel better in the end.

I'm.....

insecure

cynical

suspicious

somewhat unforgiving

cold

irritable

ambitionless

easily discouraged

easily depressed

self-doubting

a smoker

vain

critical of myself and other people

very distant sometimes

self-loathing

I'm....

reliable

honest

loyal

hard-working

understanding

willing to listen

somewhat optimistic

playful

curious

polite to a fault (now I feel like I am reaching...)

someone who cares about the environment and other people's well-being

very, very affectionate sometimes

willing to do just about anything for the people I love

I haven't eaten anything today yet. It's 10:16 in the morning. I'll make some coffee. With a sugar and non-fat organic milk. I don't know if I'll eat today, maybe just liquids. I gained a kilo, and I don't intend on keeping it.

It's a cold, 5º outside. Maybe read my book and wait for the sun to come out before I regret stepping outside.

Bisous.

À la prochaine fois.

strange new low.

I've lost a few pounds recently (I've gotten back to my lowest weight in over a year....), though I have probably gained the few pounds I lost back to be honest, and I feel like I have reached a new personal low mentally.

I notice when I am most depressed I lose weight, even if I feel like I have ballooned. It seems like everytime I step on the scale, I feel as if I know the numbers have jumped, but in reality, I've lost a kilogram or two. It's really weird. Recently, I had been eating badly or so I thought for myself, and I lost enough to break me through a mild plateau. I guess I tricked my body, but we'll see the next time I weigh in.

Anyway, it's a good reminder to stay on track.

So, do you ever have a problem in a relationship that you can sometimes be okay with, then sometimes be upset about? I say this, because it seems like sometimes I am so depressed that I make little mountains out of things that normally shouldn't bother me.

To be honest, one of these days I just may start taking anti-depressants if it keeps up. I've had a nervous-depressive problem since I was a kid, and I've always told myself I'd never take pills to sort myself out, that I'd want to deal with myself on my own (I don't like the idea of messing around with my hormones just to put me into a better, artifical mood). But I feel like it is becoming a problem I can't deal with anymore, and it is taking away from my relationships with people I care about. I won't start anything soon, but I'm not against it anymore, I don't think. We'll see, maybe I won't find a pill I like, who knows.

Had a small bowl of organic (or Bio(-logique) in France, it's the equivalent) honey cereal with Bio lait écrémé (organic non-fat milk). The roof of my mouth is so sore, the part where it connects to my nose, in the inside of my mouth. Maybe from smoking? Though I don't breath smoke out from my nose when I smoke..... not usually, at least.

I feel good otherwise, though everyone I know seems to be getting sick, especially where I work. Not a good sign. I'd love some coffee, but I feel like it is going to aggravate the roof of my mouth. Ergh. Coffee anyway.

I've been wanting to take some photos for my blog, so you can have an idea of my favorite areas around town, and perhaps some funny things I see from time to time. I think it would do me some good, and I'd like to somehow thank you guys for the support you've been giving me when I've been having days where I wished I weren't living.

Thank you guys again. À bientôt.

Bisous.

RANT.

From the 8th, September 2009, at work.

So, I'm, bored at work. I want to smoke so badly, but firstly, I can't right now, and second, I need to buy some more cigarettes because I just ran out.

Anyway, so I am furiously typing away on the little keyboard on my telephone, because I can't focus enough to read Crime & Punishment. I feel low. I am smoking too much and not eating well enough, my skin is showing signs. It's getting slightly dry, which I really can't stand. Dry at the end of summer. We'll see how I fair in Paris winter. I wonder if I'll survive.

I don't even smoke that much, maybe a few a day, a little more or less, and some days I don't smoke. Well, some rare days. Maybe it's in my head.

I gained two pounds since my sister has been visiting, I need to restrict more. I feel really worthless, unless I am restricting, then I feel like I can have some control. I don't mean to openly put myself down, but I can't ever really recall feeling like I was really worth anything. I'm not the kind of person who will start telling you about how life is so valuable and precious, when it is so easily destroyed. I think of life more as chance, I guess. It's more logical to me, but then again, life isn't really logical.

All today I was thinking of how much I am sick of myself. Food wasn't an obstacle at all. I'm even thinking of making up some small lie about having food at work to get out of eating dinner. To be honest, I'm a bit tired. I love my sister, but she can ask too many personal questions and poke around too much. My boyfriend and I have been having too many little stupid fights, mostly because we can't really be ourselves with my sister in the flat. You know what I mean, it's frustrating. My sister must be under the impression that our relationship is very fragile, which could be true, but I have a little more faith than that.

I think I should see someone. I'm very insecure, and I know it. I really try not to be, and my boyfriend tells me I have no reason to be (you see how people look at you in the street?), though to be honest, when people look at me in the street, I think of how it must be because there is something wrong with how I look. I think this is common, no?

I'd still like to see someone. Sometimes I really feel like my brain is going at a hundred miles an hour, and all I can do is focus on little easy things, like books and films. I've been having nightmares again as well, and having a hard time falling asleep.

Maybe I'll buy a book tomorrow, a photo book on cinéma I've been eyeing for months now. It'll cheer me up, if I can still find it, I think it is out of print though...

About an hour until I am free. The 45 after bell just rang. It's one thing I really like about working in this neighborhood, the bells chiming.

Back to work.

Bisous.

So...

So, last week was a bit hell. After me and my boyfriend fought, he left, then I left, because I couldn't stand staying inside the flat. I didn't eat and walked along the Seine until I came to the Pont des Arts (a cute pedestrian bridge), then chain smoked my last few cigarettes. After a while it started to rain, so I left to go home. I was cold, and my tee shirt happened to be thin and white.

Me and my boyfriend came home at about the same time, and talked a bit.

The next day (Friday), we fought again. Then we got locked out of the flat, which forced us to deal with each other.

And we're doing okay now. To be honest, I can't wait until next Monday, when I'll start work. I'll be out of the flat, and he'll start work Tuesday, so we won't be cooped up so much together.

I watched Je vais bien, ne t'en fais pas a couple nights ago, which is Don't Worry, I'm Fine in English. I liked it a lot. It's about a girl whose twin brother goes missing. She can't take it and stops eating. Then she gets admitted into a hospital, and I suppose you could take it from there. It was well done, and Mélanie Laurent did a good job with the role. She's a great actress. You should see it if you get the chance.

My sister is coming to visit Paris tomorrow, and will be staying with us for a while. We'll be busy with her for a while. She's more talkative than I am, and generally more cheery. She's a vegetarian, so that's easy.

I've been good lately, but I don't want to be too optimistic. The normal restricting and tiny dinners, but I can do better.

Les vacances sont finies.

à plus.