mercredi 26 août 2009


So, last week was a bit hell. After me and my boyfriend fought, he left, then I left, because I couldn't stand staying inside the flat. I didn't eat and walked along the Seine until I came to the Pont des Arts (a cute pedestrian bridge), then chain smoked my last few cigarettes. After a while it started to rain, so I left to go home. I was cold, and my tee shirt happened to be thin and white.
Me and my boyfriend came home at about the same time, and talked a bit.
The next day (Friday), we fought again. Then we got locked out of the flat, which forced us to deal with each other.

And we're doing okay now. To be honest, I can't wait until next Monday, when I'll start work. I'll be out of the flat, and he'll start work Tuesday, so we won't be cooped up so much together.
I watched Je vais bien, ne t'en fais pas a couple nights ago, which is Don't Worry, I'm Fine in English. I liked it a lot. It's about a girl whose twin brother goes missing. She can't take it and stops eating. Then she gets admitted into a hospital, and I suppose you could take it from there. It was well done, and Mélanie Laurent did a good job with the role. She's a great actress. You should see it if you get the chance.

My sister is coming to visit Paris tomorrow, and will be staying with us for a while. We'll be busy with her for a while. She's more talkative than I am, and generally more cheery. She's a vegetarian, so that's easy.

I've been good lately, but I don't want to be too optimistic. The normal restricting and tiny dinners, but I can do better.

Les vacances sont finies.

à plus.

jeudi 20 août 2009

What a shit day so far.

Maybe me and my boyfriend are breaking up for the stupidest shit ever.

It's hot outside. I don't especially want to go out, but I should.
I'm not hungry at all. Not even thirsty. I feel light headed.
I didn't finish my coffee or juice.

What a waste.

samedi 15 août 2009

Back to Paris - (God Save The Queen !)

Back from London.

Régime. Régime. Régime.

I know I must have gained, but I hope after all that it wasn't much. I still fit my small jeans, though not as well. So it can't be too much. Nothing I can't lose quickly.

The thing I like about London is, practically all the food there is disgusting. Really. Even if it looks good, it is bound to be horrible or at least not worth it at all. Seriously!
I wouldn't want to live in London, but I know if I did, it wouldn't be hard to be thin. I think I would live off of coffee and veggies because everything else is easy to avoid. My only problem would be my boyfriend watching what I eat. Comme d'habitude.

But there is take away coffee in London, so it is a little bit of a culprit. I'm a sucker for take away coffee, though I can't stand Starbucks (it's their politics, mainly...), so take away coffee in Paris is not really an option. Coffee in paper (or styrofoam) cups doesn't really happen much here besides (Starbucks), McDo espresso (GROSS), and the occasional boulangerie that serves little take away espresso. It's not the kind of city where you'd see everyone walking with their coffees in the street or in the metro. Coffee here is really about small portions everywhere, hence the popularity of the espresso. And mainly because the lattes here really taste disgusting, and soy milk isn't an option unless you make your lattes at home. Maybe you can get soy milk at Starbucks, but then again, I wouldn't know. Never been inside a french Starbucks, and I don't plan to!

But God, I really feel like a balloon. Luckily, I went to the organic boulevard Raspail market this morning, so I have fresh fruits and veggies to pull me through.

Ergh.... My boyfriend just caught me blogging about my ED, and I had to lie through my teeth. I don't like it, but it has nothing to do with him, and I don't get mad when he does personal stuff on his computer. Anyway, it should be fine, he doesn't seem too bothered. And I really love him, anyway. So he shouldn't be mad.

Scale tomorrow!! Totally not excited about it. It won't be good, but I can try to make it as pleasant as possible.

To thinner days.


samedi 8 août 2009

When things don't go the way you want them to...

I'm not talking about food here. I think I've been doing okay for the past few days. Had chai tea for dinner last night.

I'm talking about the kind of conversation you have with people that go really wrong, perhaps beyond repair.
I feel like a bitch, because I called someone out on lying to me for no reason. I often keep my mouth shut, and I should have this time.

I slept so badly. It took me forever to go to sleep, the sun was already up. Then I kept waking up.

I'm not hungry. The water isn't even going down well today.

To better days-

lundi 3 août 2009

Another Day.

I must admit, I'm a little afraid to step on a scale, though I think I should for my own good.
My boyfriend's parents just got back from their holiday, and one thing they enjoy doing is eating. They are really nice folks, and really would do anything for us, but at times it is a bit much. They always insist I take more food at meals, and eat more meat. They really love eating meat (I'm not a big meat eater, I was a vegetarian for 7 years). I'm more of a fish person, as it is lighter and somehow I feel less guilty about it.

I had a bad weekend, restricting as much as I can, then politely going out with my boyfriend's family. Restaurant, dessert, and not even enjoying it. The restaurant was good, it's just that I was really not looking forward to it (maybe I would have enjoyed it if I had hit a goal weight or something, I don't know). I don't really look forward to eating out, especially with people who wouldn't understand me not wanting to eat much or finish my plate.
We dinner with them a few times a week, but already that is too much. Before I came to Paris from living in LA, I weighed much less than I do now. Hopefully when I am working in September, my evenings will be more occupied, and this means more money in my pocket and less food in my stomach.

I was sick Saturday night and Sunday morning from eating more than my stomach was used to. I slept so badly, and woke up at 6 and couldn't go back to sleep because I was in pain. And I was exhausted!

My boyfriend and I are both off of work for the month of August. It's intimidating, as my boyfriend is always insisting I eat more, or just a bite of something I don't want to eat. It's just frustrating, as he knows I'm not a big eater, and understands mildly how I feel about myself. He just does what he thinks is best for my health, and it's hard to meet on a common ground here.

Today, not the greatest start, but definitely not the worst. My boyfriend likes his breakfast fresh from one of the bakeries nearby, so we went out to fetch something. I took the least butter ridden bread I could see, which had next to none and amounted to 120 calories, a little more or less. I'll have some fruit for lunch, then some sashimi for dinner (my boyfriend's treat). I could never completely say no to good sushi, and at least in this case, there is no rice, or very little, if I choose to partake. So I should have a good day, a good start for this week. I wish I could do a juice/tea diet for at least a few days, I'd love to work this in somehow. I'm trying to keep my chin up, I hope you can too.

Stay pretty, reader.