vendredi 16 octobre 2009

She's having dreams.

Good morning, world....

Sometimes when I go to sleep upset, I don't escape my feelings or thoughts in dreams. Like last night.
Once, I even had a dream where my boyfriend found my blog, hehe, and let me tell you, it was not a good dream at all.

It's cold, dark, and gloomy in Paris today. Just the way I like it. Though, I plan to walk over to the Taschen bookstore and go to my bank today, and I'm really not in the mood to be rained upon. Sitting in bed now, I'm already cold.
I like rain quite a bit, but not when I am chilled to the bone and soaking wet.

I'm taking a short vacation back to the US in about a week. I've been looking forward to it so much recently, though just yesterday I was becoming a bit depressed about it. My boyfriend and I are still having hard times. I feel like deep down we're not a good match anymore. When we met, it was like no other relationship I had ever had before. So fiery, so alive, so much attraction. It was like falling in love for the first time.
We used to talk about so much together, such a great future together, but I feel like we've gotten to know each other better than to think like that anymore (we've grown more realistic, I suppose), and I feel like I am sacrificing myself a little bit at times. We don't even have sex like we used to. I mean, it's still really good when we do, but it's not everyday like it used to be. Or even every other day.
We don't have the same tastes in cinéma, he watches TV (je deteste la télévision), he doesn't care that much about the environment (I'm an environmentalist), he doesn't have that life curiosity that I admire so much in other people, that willingness to explore or try new things and understand people. He's almost like a little mouse who is trained to behave a certain way and doesn't stray outside of his box even if there is a clear way out.
And I hate the way he talks to his parents. He's so spoiled by them.

Okay, enough being angry at my boyfriend, I'm being unfair and not letting him have a word. I'm sure he could find some choice words to say about me. But he lies, and above everything else, this kills me.

I'd like to take the time to make a couple lists, one of my good personality traits, and one of my bad traits. I'll start with the bad to perhaps make myself feel better in the end.


somewhat unforgiving
easily discouraged
easily depressed
a smoker
critical of myself and other people
very distant sometimes


willing to listen
somewhat optimistic
polite to a fault (now I feel like I am reaching...)
someone who cares about the environment and other people's well-being
very, very affectionate sometimes
willing to do just about anything for the people I love

I haven't eaten anything today yet. It's 10:16 in the morning. I'll make some coffee. With a sugar and non-fat organic milk. I don't know if I'll eat today, maybe just liquids. I gained a kilo, and I don't intend on keeping it.

It's a cold, 5º outside. Maybe read my book and wait for the sun to come out before I regret stepping outside.


À la prochaine fois.