Tomorrow...

... is Christmas eve, and in France, you celebrate this day more than the day of Christmas.

You have the huge dinner and get together, open gifts, drink, eat and eat, get sick, then take it easy on the 25th. Like a real day off. I kinda like it better this way, it's more like New Year's.

I'm going to Amsterdam Christmas Day and for a little while following, and I don't want to look fat (at least to me) in the photos. That, and I fucking hate gaining weight around the holidays. Luckily I am good at taking off the weight I have gained, if I do gain. I've never liked eating outside of my comfort zone, it just doesn't feel good.

So, I'll just do my fruit & vegetable diet as long as I can without upsetting the boyfriend. Breakfast and lunch are all fruit, but a "regular" dinner isn't optional since he is home (he'll give me a hard time if he can tell I am restricting too hard, we live together).

Though I think he will be able to understand for the holidays, at least he should. He never lets me get away with skipping dinner, or having one piece of fruit or a vegetable for dinner like in the past.

So, lots of water, some coffee, tea, watered down juice (if I crave it that bad), and whole fruits and vegetables for my meals. I've always been able to drop weight doing this, it's just avoiding a gain that I am most afraid of.

I'm not really a seasons greetings kind of person, so I'll just wish everyone courage and strength.

Bisous.

New Wave.

Errgh. When I was visiting in the US last month, I gained a few pounds and haven't lost them yet. Probably due to a few reasons like dried mango slices (Who knew that they're loaded with calories? Let alone being really, really expensive in France...) and gifts of chocolate I've been receiving for a while now.

So, I'm a bit sick of it. It's not like I especially enjoy the action of eating most of the time. I realize that often when I think I am hungry, it's like some sort of craving I can't justify, like it is more than eating, yet it manifests in unquenchable hunger. When I realize this, it's easier not to eat, or to eat only what I need.

So, back to the beginning, big square one. I'm not a big Christmas person, and I'm not a big canard/foie gras person at all, so luckily it could be easier this season and I might lose those few pounds if I put some effort in and stop making excuses for myself. I've done this over and over again, and this time I want to hit a new low. It'd be the best xmas gift to myself. Anyway, enough rambling.

I hope the rest of you have been doing alright and are keeping warm!! (it's freeeeezing in Paris today)

Gros bisous, comrades, et courage.

She's having dreams.

Good morning, world....

Sometimes when I go to sleep upset, I don't escape my feelings or thoughts in dreams. Like last night.

Once, I even had a dream where my boyfriend found my blog, hehe, and let me tell you, it was not a good dream at all.

It's cold, dark, and gloomy in Paris today. Just the way I like it. Though, I plan to walk over to the Taschen bookstore and go to my bank today, and I'm really not in the mood to be rained upon. Sitting in bed now, I'm already cold.

I like rain quite a bit, but not when I am chilled to the bone and soaking wet.

I'm taking a short vacation back to the US in about a week. I've been looking forward to it so much recently, though just yesterday I was becoming a bit depressed about it. My boyfriend and I are still having hard times. I feel like deep down we're not a good match anymore. When we met, it was like no other relationship I had ever had before. So fiery, so alive, so much attraction. It was like falling in love for the first time.

We used to talk about so much together, such a great future together, but I feel like we've gotten to know each other better than to think like that anymore (we've grown more realistic, I suppose), and I feel like I am sacrificing myself a little bit at times. We don't even have sex like we used to. I mean, it's still really good when we do, but it's not everyday like it used to be. Or even every other day.

We don't have the same tastes in cinéma, he watches TV (je deteste la télévision), he doesn't care that much about the environment (I'm an environmentalist), he doesn't have that life curiosity that I admire so much in other people, that willingness to explore or try new things and understand people. He's almost like a little mouse who is trained to behave a certain way and doesn't stray outside of his box even if there is a clear way out.

And I hate the way he talks to his parents. He's so spoiled by them.

Okay, enough being angry at my boyfriend, I'm being unfair and not letting him have a word. I'm sure he could find some choice words to say about me. But he lies, and above everything else, this kills me.

I'd like to take the time to make a couple lists, one of my good personality traits, and one of my bad traits. I'll start with the bad to perhaps make myself feel better in the end.

I'm.....

insecure

cynical

suspicious

somewhat unforgiving

cold

irritable

ambitionless

easily discouraged

easily depressed

self-doubting

a smoker

vain

critical of myself and other people

very distant sometimes

self-loathing

I'm....

reliable

honest

loyal

hard-working

understanding

willing to listen

somewhat optimistic

playful

curious

polite to a fault (now I feel like I am reaching...)

someone who cares about the environment and other people's well-being

very, very affectionate sometimes

willing to do just about anything for the people I love

I haven't eaten anything today yet. It's 10:16 in the morning. I'll make some coffee. With a sugar and non-fat organic milk. I don't know if I'll eat today, maybe just liquids. I gained a kilo, and I don't intend on keeping it.

It's a cold, 5º outside. Maybe read my book and wait for the sun to come out before I regret stepping outside.

Bisous.

À la prochaine fois.

strange new low.

I've lost a few pounds recently (I've gotten back to my lowest weight in over a year....), though I have probably gained the few pounds I lost back to be honest, and I feel like I have reached a new personal low mentally.

I notice when I am most depressed I lose weight, even if I feel like I have ballooned. It seems like everytime I step on the scale, I feel as if I know the numbers have jumped, but in reality, I've lost a kilogram or two. It's really weird. Recently, I had been eating badly or so I thought for myself, and I lost enough to break me through a mild plateau. I guess I tricked my body, but we'll see the next time I weigh in.

Anyway, it's a good reminder to stay on track.

So, do you ever have a problem in a relationship that you can sometimes be okay with, then sometimes be upset about? I say this, because it seems like sometimes I am so depressed that I make little mountains out of things that normally shouldn't bother me.

To be honest, one of these days I just may start taking anti-depressants if it keeps up. I've had a nervous-depressive problem since I was a kid, and I've always told myself I'd never take pills to sort myself out, that I'd want to deal with myself on my own (I don't like the idea of messing around with my hormones just to put me into a better, artifical mood). But I feel like it is becoming a problem I can't deal with anymore, and it is taking away from my relationships with people I care about. I won't start anything soon, but I'm not against it anymore, I don't think. We'll see, maybe I won't find a pill I like, who knows.

Had a small bowl of organic (or Bio(-logique) in France, it's the equivalent) honey cereal with Bio lait écrémé (organic non-fat milk). The roof of my mouth is so sore, the part where it connects to my nose, in the inside of my mouth. Maybe from smoking? Though I don't breath smoke out from my nose when I smoke..... not usually, at least.

I feel good otherwise, though everyone I know seems to be getting sick, especially where I work. Not a good sign. I'd love some coffee, but I feel like it is going to aggravate the roof of my mouth. Ergh. Coffee anyway.

I've been wanting to take some photos for my blog, so you can have an idea of my favorite areas around town, and perhaps some funny things I see from time to time. I think it would do me some good, and I'd like to somehow thank you guys for the support you've been giving me when I've been having days where I wished I weren't living.

Thank you guys again. À bientôt.

Bisous.

RANT.

From the 8th, September 2009, at work.

So, I'm, bored at work. I want to smoke so badly, but firstly, I can't right now, and second, I need to buy some more cigarettes because I just ran out.

Anyway, so I am furiously typing away on the little keyboard on my telephone, because I can't focus enough to read Crime & Punishment. I feel low. I am smoking too much and not eating well enough, my skin is showing signs. It's getting slightly dry, which I really can't stand. Dry at the end of summer. We'll see how I fair in Paris winter. I wonder if I'll survive.

I don't even smoke that much, maybe a few a day, a little more or less, and some days I don't smoke. Well, some rare days. Maybe it's in my head.

I gained two pounds since my sister has been visiting, I need to restrict more. I feel really worthless, unless I am restricting, then I feel like I can have some control. I don't mean to openly put myself down, but I can't ever really recall feeling like I was really worth anything. I'm not the kind of person who will start telling you about how life is so valuable and precious, when it is so easily destroyed. I think of life more as chance, I guess. It's more logical to me, but then again, life isn't really logical.

All today I was thinking of how much I am sick of myself. Food wasn't an obstacle at all. I'm even thinking of making up some small lie about having food at work to get out of eating dinner. To be honest, I'm a bit tired. I love my sister, but she can ask too many personal questions and poke around too much. My boyfriend and I have been having too many little stupid fights, mostly because we can't really be ourselves with my sister in the flat. You know what I mean, it's frustrating. My sister must be under the impression that our relationship is very fragile, which could be true, but I have a little more faith than that.

I think I should see someone. I'm very insecure, and I know it. I really try not to be, and my boyfriend tells me I have no reason to be (you see how people look at you in the street?), though to be honest, when people look at me in the street, I think of how it must be because there is something wrong with how I look. I think this is common, no?

I'd still like to see someone. Sometimes I really feel like my brain is going at a hundred miles an hour, and all I can do is focus on little easy things, like books and films. I've been having nightmares again as well, and having a hard time falling asleep.

Maybe I'll buy a book tomorrow, a photo book on cinéma I've been eyeing for months now. It'll cheer me up, if I can still find it, I think it is out of print though...

About an hour until I am free. The 45 after bell just rang. It's one thing I really like about working in this neighborhood, the bells chiming.

Back to work.

Bisous.

So...

So, last week was a bit hell. After me and my boyfriend fought, he left, then I left, because I couldn't stand staying inside the flat. I didn't eat and walked along the Seine until I came to the Pont des Arts (a cute pedestrian bridge), then chain smoked my last few cigarettes. After a while it started to rain, so I left to go home. I was cold, and my tee shirt happened to be thin and white.

Me and my boyfriend came home at about the same time, and talked a bit.

The next day (Friday), we fought again. Then we got locked out of the flat, which forced us to deal with each other.

And we're doing okay now. To be honest, I can't wait until next Monday, when I'll start work. I'll be out of the flat, and he'll start work Tuesday, so we won't be cooped up so much together.

I watched Je vais bien, ne t'en fais pas a couple nights ago, which is Don't Worry, I'm Fine in English. I liked it a lot. It's about a girl whose twin brother goes missing. She can't take it and stops eating. Then she gets admitted into a hospital, and I suppose you could take it from there. It was well done, and Mélanie Laurent did a good job with the role. She's a great actress. You should see it if you get the chance.

My sister is coming to visit Paris tomorrow, and will be staying with us for a while. We'll be busy with her for a while. She's more talkative than I am, and generally more cheery. She's a vegetarian, so that's easy.

I've been good lately, but I don't want to be too optimistic. The normal restricting and tiny dinners, but I can do better.

Les vacances sont finies.

à plus.

What a shit day so far.

Maybe me and my boyfriend are breaking up for the stupidest shit ever.

It's hot outside. I don't especially want to go out, but I should.

I'm not hungry at all. Not even thirsty. I feel light headed.

I didn't finish my coffee or juice.

What a waste.

a little taste of thinsporation...

Back to Paris - (God Save The Queen !)

Back from London.

Régime. Régime. Régime.

I know I must have gained, but I hope after all that it wasn't much. I still fit my small jeans, though not as well. So it can't be too much. Nothing I can't lose quickly.

The thing I like about London is, practically all the food there is disgusting. Really. Even if it looks good, it is bound to be horrible or at least not worth it at all. Seriously!

I wouldn't want to live in London, but I know if I did, it wouldn't be hard to be thin. I think I would live off of coffee and veggies because everything else is easy to avoid. My only problem would be my boyfriend watching what I eat. Comme d'habitude.

But there is take away coffee in London, so it is a little bit of a culprit. I'm a sucker for take away coffee, though I can't stand Starbucks (it's their politics, mainly...), so take away coffee in Paris is not really an option. Coffee in paper (or styrofoam) cups doesn't really happen much here besides (Starbucks), McDo espresso (GROSS), and the occasional boulangerie that serves little take away espresso. It's not the kind of city where you'd see everyone walking with their coffees in the street or in the metro. Coffee here is really about small portions everywhere, hence the popularity of the espresso. And mainly because the lattes here really taste disgusting, and soy milk isn't an option unless you make your lattes at home. Maybe you can get soy milk at Starbucks, but then again, I wouldn't know. Never been inside a french Starbucks, and I don't plan to!

But God, I really feel like a balloon. Luckily, I went to the organic boulevard Raspail market this morning, so I have fresh fruits and veggies to pull me through.

Ergh.... My boyfriend just caught me blogging about my ED, and I had to lie through my teeth. I don't like it, but it has nothing to do with him, and I don't get mad when he does personal stuff on his computer. Anyway, it should be fine, he doesn't seem too bothered. And I really love him, anyway. So he shouldn't be mad.

Scale tomorrow!! Totally not excited about it. It won't be good, but I can try to make it as pleasant as possible.

To thinner days.

Bisous.

When things don't go the way you want them to...

I'm not talking about food here. I think I've been doing okay for the past few days. Had chai tea for dinner last night.

I'm talking about the kind of conversation you have with people that go really wrong, perhaps beyond repair.

I feel like a bitch, because I called someone out on lying to me for no reason. I often keep my mouth shut, and I should have this time.

I slept so badly. It took me forever to go to sleep, the sun was already up. Then I kept waking up.

I'm not hungry. The water isn't even going down well today.

To better days-

Another Day.

I must admit, I'm a little afraid to step on a scale, though I think I should for my own good.

My boyfriend's parents just got back from their holiday, and one thing they enjoy doing is eating. They are really nice folks, and really would do anything for us, but at times it is a bit much. They always insist I take more food at meals, and eat more meat. They really love eating meat (I'm not a big meat eater, I was a vegetarian for 7 years). I'm more of a fish person, as it is lighter and somehow I feel less guilty about it.

I had a bad weekend, restricting as much as I can, then politely going out with my boyfriend's family. Restaurant, dessert, and not even enjoying it. The restaurant was good, it's just that I was really not looking forward to it (maybe I would have enjoyed it if I had hit a goal weight or something, I don't know). I don't really look forward to eating out, especially with people who wouldn't understand me not wanting to eat much or finish my plate.

We dinner with them a few times a week, but already that is too much. Before I came to Paris from living in LA, I weighed much less than I do now. Hopefully when I am working in September, my evenings will be more occupied, and this means more money in my pocket and less food in my stomach.

I was sick Saturday night and Sunday morning from eating more than my stomach was used to. I slept so badly, and woke up at 6 and couldn't go back to sleep because I was in pain. And I was exhausted!

My boyfriend and I are both off of work for the month of August. It's intimidating, as my boyfriend is always insisting I eat more, or just a bite of something I don't want to eat. It's just frustrating, as he knows I'm not a big eater, and understands mildly how I feel about myself. He just does what he thinks is best for my health, and it's hard to meet on a common ground here.

Today, not the greatest start, but definitely not the worst. My boyfriend likes his breakfast fresh from one of the bakeries nearby, so we went out to fetch something. I took the least butter ridden bread I could see, which had next to none and amounted to 120 calories, a little more or less. I'll have some fruit for lunch, then some sashimi for dinner (my boyfriend's treat). I could never completely say no to good sushi, and at least in this case, there is no rice, or very little, if I choose to partake. So I should have a good day, a good start for this week. I wish I could do a juice/tea diet for at least a few days, I'd love to work this in somehow. I'm trying to keep my chin up, I hope you can too.

Stay pretty, reader.

An American in Paris.

I've been doing well, staying at about 500 calories or less everyday. I had some water and a little fresh pineapple to start my day, (had nightmares and a bad stomach ache all night into this morning). I'd love to have a coffee, but I'm going to put it off as long as I can, and drink water to take my mind off of it. If you're calorie savvy, then you'll realize black coffee has next to no calories. Unfortunately, the only coffee I want right now is with milk. And I hate milk, it's gross. Maybe I'll skip the coffee, actually. I don't even feel like I need it that bad anymore.

I haven't weighed myself since a few days, I don't have direct access to a scale, so I can only do it once or twice a week. Which I suppose is a good thing.

I'm listening to X. It's sunny and cold in Paris this morning. There is a nice cool breeze. It's refreshing. The street I live on seems especially quiet this morning.

I'm meeting my boyfriend for lunch at his work. I've been good this week, taking as little as I can, and not even finishing it. Today, a small salad and no dessert or cheese (it's french tradition to always have cheese or yogurt after a meal). Dinner will be fruit or a little carottes rapées (a very light french carrot salad).

I can't wait until September, when I'll start working. This means more freedom to not eat and get away with it. I love it.

Hello there.

I'm reasonably new to this, but I need to vent on a regular basis,

so anyone is free (with proper means) to read.

I welcome all and wish the of best luck with your goals, with ana or not.

To start, today I'm still sipping my strong cup of organic earl grey from

this morning. It should last me at least an hour or so more, if not longer.

I live with my boyfriend, and he always is giving me a hard time and

suspecting me of "stupid diets" when he sees what I eat. He tries to

tempt me with sweets and fats. When we aren't together, I pretty much

don't eat, and if I have a bad craving, I usually do one of the following;

drink water, watered-down juice, coffee, or tea, and if it is very bad,

I have some fruit or a small amount of carottes rapées.

When we lunch or dinner, I only eat as much to avoid suspicion,

and always turn away as much food as I can.

I accept that I am in the low-mid normal range for my body,

at 20.7 BMI. But I want to lose more. Just a tad below underweight,

so I want to get down to 18.3. It shouldn't be too hard, normally,

but it is hard when I always have someone double-checking what I

eat and telling me that they "love my body".

My boyfriend actually really dislikes the skinny skinny look, though I

don't intend to go below 100. That isn't my goal, and for my height, I

don't think it would honestly look that good. I don't have a belly, and

I can already see my collar, ribs, and hip bone well. I just want to be

pleased and confident with how I look, which I am not at the moment.

C'est tout simplement.