jeudi 10 septembre 2009


From the 8th, September 2009, at work.

So, I'm, bored at work. I want to smoke so badly, but firstly, I can't right now, and second, I need to buy some more cigarettes because I just ran out.
Anyway, so I am furiously typing away on the little keyboard on my telephone, because I can't focus enough to read Crime & Punishment. I feel low. I am smoking too much and not eating well enough, my skin is showing signs. It's getting slightly dry, which I really can't stand. Dry at the end of summer. We'll see how I fair in Paris winter. I wonder if I'll survive.
I don't even smoke that much, maybe a few a day, a little more or less, and some days I don't smoke. Well, some rare days. Maybe it's in my head.

I gained two pounds since my sister has been visiting, I need to restrict more. I feel really worthless, unless I am restricting, then I feel like I can have some control. I don't mean to openly put myself down, but I can't ever really recall feeling like I was really worth anything. I'm not the kind of person who will start telling you about how life is so valuable and precious, when it is so easily destroyed. I think of life more as chance, I guess. It's more logical to me, but then again, life isn't really logical.

All today I was thinking of how much I am sick of myself. Food wasn't an obstacle at all. I'm even thinking of making up some small lie about having food at work to get out of eating dinner. To be honest, I'm a bit tired. I love my sister, but she can ask too many personal questions and poke around too much. My boyfriend and I have been having too many little stupid fights, mostly because we can't really be ourselves with my sister in the flat. You know what I mean, it's frustrating. My sister must be under the impression that our relationship is very fragile, which could be true, but I have a little more faith than that.

I think I should see someone. I'm very insecure, and I know it. I really try not to be, and my boyfriend tells me I have no reason to be (you see how people look at you in the street?), though to be honest, when people look at me in the street, I think of how it must be because there is something wrong with how I look. I think this is common, no?
I'd still like to see someone. Sometimes I really feel like my brain is going at a hundred miles an hour, and all I can do is focus on little easy things, like books and films. I've been having nightmares again as well, and having a hard time falling asleep.

Maybe I'll buy a book tomorrow, a photo book on cinéma I've been eyeing for months now. It'll cheer me up, if I can still find it, I think it is out of print though...

About an hour until I am free. The 45 after bell just rang. It's one thing I really like about working in this neighborhood, the bells chiming.

Back to work.


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